I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
