The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
