Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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