There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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