Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
