dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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