my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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