I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
