hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
