Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
