im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
