I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
