so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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