No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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