So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
