he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
