I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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