Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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