i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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