You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We're too hungover to prance.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
