Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
