just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
