is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
