Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
