I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
