there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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