this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
