he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
