Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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