I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
