he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
