i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
