we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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