how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
