There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
