you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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