I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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