I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
