4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
