some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
