That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
