Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
