i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
