I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
