Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
