I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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