He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
