i need an iv and a liver transplant
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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