After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
