I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
