how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
