I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We talked him into tasing himself.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
