Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
