butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
