life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
