She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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