Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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