it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
